To those who see me and automatically look down (or look away in disgust)…
I’m still here!
I’m not at a place in life I used to dream about; in fact, there have been times I’ve begged God to let me wake up from this nightmare…
…but what has happened has happened, and as much as I wish I could—I can’t change a thing.
However, you need to know—although I would have never chosen the hell I’ve gone through—I’m a better person for it.
Where I used to lack empathy—it now have it in abundance.
Where I used to be judgmental—I now realize I actually have no rocks to throw.
And where I used to think the Lord used me because I was good—I now understand it was HIS goodness all along.
It’s weird walking into a room, have people stare at you, turn back to their table and then everyone at the table stare at you.
It’s weird having people who used to talk to me all of the time randomly see me out in public and stumble over words to say (things like, “you know I love you, don’t you P? Actually - I don’t, when you never call, or ask to hang out—then we happen to run into each other and you only speak because it would be more awkward to not speak—then no, I actually don’t think you love me at all. But - if you need to say it to clear your conscience then I’m fine with it.)
And to those people who look away in disgust—I get it, I used to be the same way.
However, one of the things I’ve learned is every single person on the planet has crap in their lives…
…and when the pretend world you’ve built up comes crashing down all around, call me (my number hasn’t changed) and I’ll do my absolute best to be there for you.
Yep, I’m still here - and, I’m still messy.
I haven’t gotten all my “ish” together (and never will have it so on this side of eternity.)
But, I am trying, one day at a time, one step at a time.
And although I’ve lost nearly everything I used to have - I’ve gained a deeper understanding of what it means to be fully known—and fully loved.
So - no pressure, if you need to look down then look down.
If you need to look away, then look away.
But please don’t feel the pressure to lie and say it’s good to see me!
And please don’t pity me, because Jesus is doing a work in me that is absolutely transforming me in ways I’ve never imagined.
I’m not where I once thought I would be - but am exactly where Jesus knew I would be, and my comfort is in the fact He knew everything about me before He called me, loves me in spite of my imperfections and, for some reason still chooses to use me.
I’m still here! And I see you (whether you see me or not!)
I’ve made it through so far - and with His strength and by His grace I am still holding on to the belief that the best really is yet to come.