(In honor of Valentine's Day coming up this weekend, I thought this post by Lee McDerment was appropriate! Lee does an exceptional job of loving and leading his beautiful wife, Ali and I hope this post encourages and challenges you to be a better husband!)
Hey everyone! My name is Lee McDerment, and I’ve worked for NewSpring Church since we started up back in 2000. Although I’ve had a relatively long ministry career, I’m still a newlywed. I married my beautiful wife, Ali back in 2011 and we just had a baby boy, Gray Jonathan McDerment on August 30, 2015.
Perry asked that I write a blog post on the subject of loving and leading your wife. I cannot claim to be an expert when it comes to marriage, but here is a helpful view I take and a few practical things that I try to do on a regular basis to love and lead Ali.
Jesus is the best model for leadership we can find anywhere. When it comes to leading our spouses, we must look to His life and pattern our leadership after Him.
Jesus is Prophet, Priest and King. To love Ali well, I must assume these roles and execute them with His direction and power on a daily basis. Let me unpack all three.
1. Be a Prophet.
Don’t be scared by the word Prophet. A prophet simply sought God and then told or wrote down what He brought to mind. Prophets were visionaries who pursued the Lord and His Word on behalf of others. To love and lead my wife well, I must be the prophet in my own home. It’s my responsibility to seek the Lord on behalf of my entire family, to discern His will and His vision for our lives.
Practical Application:
Get away for a Vision Weekend. Typically in January, Ali and I will go away for a day or two to recover from the holidays and get a good look at our dreams for the upcoming year. We spend this time asking God to give us a verse for the year, and insight for goals in our spiritual, intellectual, physical and financial worlds. Doing this helps us begin the year with confidence and unity.
Have a weekly team meeting. Every week, Ali and I try to spend about 30 minutes looking at our calendar and budget. This is a tedious half hour that rescues the rest of our week. As busy people, this meeting gives us the chance to get on the same page and remember to schedule date nights and Sabbath days and to be careful about overspending in certain budget categories. It’s tough, but we pray beforehand that God would help us steward our time and money well, and so far, He’s come through for us.
Bottom line, I want my wife to be the free-est woman on earth. Having a vision for both her and my son is an exciting and heavy weight that I cherish. In order to love and lead my wife well, I must embrace the role of a visionary leader, a prophet, just like Jesus is for me.
2. Be a Priest.
A Priest is a servant, a teacher, a shepherd and someone who goes first to connect his people to God. Jesus is our Priest because He modeled true abundant life for us, revealed God the Father to us, and ultimately sacrificed to make peace and connect us to God.
Practical Application:
Have a daily quiet time. As the priest in my home, it’s my job to know the Bible as well as I possibly can, not only to build my own faith, but to be ready to encourage and occasionally give insight to my wife as she seeks the Lord. If I don’t seek the Lord every day, how can I expect my wife to be disciplined in that area of her life?
Lead your wife in prayer every night. A priest is a peacemaker. One of the best ways I can fill my home with peace is to consistently pray with my wife. No matter what, Ali and I pray together before we go to sleep at night. This allows us to connect our hearts, to be grateful together, to resolve any conflict before the sun goes down, and to pour out our list of requests to God.
As a priest, my job is to listen, to comfort, and to guide. Too often, I get tired and lazy and try to simply fix things for Ali instead of listening to her with patience and seeking the Lord’s will to guide both of us.
3. Be a King.
A King is a steward who has authority and ownership over everything in his dominion. Kings are responsible for every material thing in their realm. Kings are responsible for law and culture. As a King, everything in my house belongs to me. All the dishes, all the clothes, the cars, the yard, the money… everything. The Queen should never have to ask that I attend to something that I am ultimately responsible for. She is not the King’s servant. She is the King’s crown!
Practical Application:
Learn how to do every domestic task in your house, to your wife’s specifications. I want Ali to be the free-est woman on earth. This means that I take responsibility to own every task in my house (laundry, dishes, cleaning, whatever). Ali is so much better than me at taking care of our home. But the fact that I am proactive with chores in our house is a blessing to her. I could care less if things are clean or washed, but my wife does, and what she cares about matters to me. No task is too menial or small for me, because she is my Queen. Also, a stress-free wife is more likely to be a sexually free wife.
Manage your money. Ali is more organized than me in every way, but I manage our family’s budget for a few simple reasons. First, it takes away stress in her life, and I am all about removing that where I can. Second, it removes any chance of her feeling like she’s my mom giving me lunch money. Third, because I’m the prophet in our house, I can lead our budget meetings with big vision for our future in a way that instills confidence and joy. I had to work hard to become disciplined in this area. I promise, if I can do it, you can too.
Simply, I want Ali to be the most free woman who has ever lived. I want her to blossom and flourish, having the resources and the confidence to pursue any dream at any time. I want her life to be as colorful and rich as she chooses. Like you, I’m a work in progress! But, being a visionary, a servant and a steward -- a prophet, priest and king, helps me remember how to bring the greatest joy to the house that God has built for me.
(If you've enjoyed reading this post, I hope you'll love my new book The Most Excellent Way to Lead where I talk all about leadership by love. You can visit mostexcellentwaytolead.com to find a retailer and preorder a copy today!)