“I Want To Kill Myself”

Those were the words said to me by a person who has asked I not use their name - but has agreed to let me share their story.  

I froze!  

I hate hearing those words!  

Not because I am judging them--but because I know how it feels, how helpless, lonely and absolutely hopeless a person has to be to get to that place.  

As we began to discuss their desire it became apparent to me they were pretty serious--they had even researched the most effective and least painful ways to commit suicide.  

When I asked them why they ultimately wanted to do it - their reply was, "the uncertainty of death is way more attractive that the certainty of pain and shame I am going to have to face as I keep on living."  

What did I say?  

Let me begin with three things I did NOT say...

#1 - "You Will Go To Hell If You Commit Suicide" - this is a lie that has dominated church world for far too long.  A person's eternity is not determined by HOW they die--but WHO they know...in other words, it's all about a relationship with Jesus.  (AND PLEASE don't tell me people who know/love Jesus never lose hope!)  

BTW - this is not an effective deterrent as people who get to this point feel as if they are already living in hell - and heaping on fear and guilt doesn't make it better--it makes is worse!)  

#2 - "You Should Not Feel That Way" - I can assure you someone who gets to this point in their life does not WANT to feel this way!  They WANT relief from the pain they are in - and really do believe suicide is the only way they are going to get that relief. 

A person who is battling with depression does not WANT to be depressed! 

A person who is battling with anxiety does not WANT to battle with anxiety. 

And a person who has gotten to the point where suicidal thoughts are consuming their mind does not want to think (or feel) that way! 

#3 - "Just Pray & Read Your Bible And It Will Get Better" - This is a lie made up by "Christians" who have never battled with hopelessness or mental illness in their life (and often look down on those who have!)  

Often times when people are told this - they go and pray, read their Bibles more--and when it does not work it pushes them deeper and deeper into despair because they think if they were just better...godlier...holier then things would get better.  

(Oh how I wish the church would do way more research on mental health issues before speaking so irresponsibly about it!)  

So - what did I say to the person who was wrestling with this?  

"Tell me why you feel that way"...

...and then I sat back, shut my mouth and simply listened.  

In my conversation I discovered the person I was listening to actually wanted just that - to be listened to (not lectured!) 

They wanted to feel like someone actually cared - that someone was willing to sit there and hurt with them (rather than drop spiritual grenades on them over and over again.)  

When the person finished telling me "why" I leaned in and told them, "wow, I am so sorry, I can completely understand why you would feel that way."  

They stared at me in disbelief; however, I assured them I was serious.  The story they told me of the past five years of the life they had lived absolutely broke my heart.  

"However," I continued, "while I can understand why you feel that way, would you be wiling to hear why I think you should reconsider taking your life?"  

They agreed - and then I began to talk (only after being given permission.)  

After me giving them a few reasons as to why I did not believe suicide was the best option for them - I saw something in their eyes I wasn't sure was even possible--hope.   

(Let me pause and say that I will not be sharing the reasons I gave them - this is not a formula to memorize - each reason I listed for the person was deeply personal and had came out of the story they had told me.)  

By the time the conversation had ended the person had promised me they would not take their life that night (because they had it all planned out.)  AND - that we would circle back the next day and have another chat (when a person gets this deep in despair - one chat/prayer session isn't going to magically make them better!)  

Why did I write this?  

#1 - If you are at the point where you are considering taking your own life - please, reach out to someone.  If you don't think there is anyone out there - then please call 1-800-273-8255 (the national suicide hotline!) 

I understand what it feels like to get to this point - and I can promise you even though the world seems so dark and discouraging right now--eventually, light will SHATTER the darkness.  

My hope and prayer for you is you will not give up - but that you will LIVE--that you will feel HOPE and that your heart will one day experience JOY unlike never before.  

#2 - If you know someone who has gotten to this place in their thinking, please don't lecture them (which WILL make them feel worse!) 

Listen to them...and then lean in and, with compassion begin a conversation conveys you care--and that you are there for them, no matter what--doing this could save their life!