I've received numerous text messages as well as people on social media asking me about how I feel about Second Chance opening tomorrow.
Here are FIVE thoughts I've had all week.
#1 - I Have NEVER Felt So Under-qualified In My Life!
I used to believe the Lord blessed my ministry because I was a good person, you know, read my Bible every day, prayed and didn't say (a lot) of cuss words. Overall I would have said I was a good person.
Um, I don't really believe the whole, "I'm a good person" anymore.
I have said things I never thought I would say, done things I never thought I would do and my life took a turn to places I never thought I would be.
I feel like the ONLY reason the apostle Paul could claim the title, "Chief of Sinners" in I Timothy 1:15 is because he didn't know I would be coming along.
If the Lord only blesses "good pastors" - well, I'm pretty much screwed.
However, an overwhelming awareness of my sinfulness has brought about a level of empathy and compassion in me that I can honestly say I've never experienced in my life.
I'm always going to be an easy target for people who use the "unqualified" argument (heck, I agree with them) - but - as long as the Lord gives me opportunity I figure I should use my gift rather than bury it just to impress people who don't actually know me.
#2 - I Know I Will Let People Down
I hate disappointing people--I mean...REALLY hate it! However, I also know if I become everything that everyone wants me to be--I will absolutely get swallowed up in the expectations of others and lose sight of who the Lord has actually called me to be.
Someone has already made a comment to me about how I need to be at the door greeting people - and, as hard as it was--I had to simply let them know that wasn't going to happen. Not because I think I am above it - but because I am SUCH an introvert (wrote about that here) - and shaking hands and posing for selfies with people causes me a tad of anxiety.
I'll say some things people don't like...
I'll take stands (or refuse to take stands) that will offend certain groups of people...
I will do things that cause people to shake their heads...
...I simply will never be the pastor that has all of his stuff together.
That used to bother me; however, I am getting more and more ok with it - because, at the end of the day there is a calling on my life...but it's not to please as many people as possible. That being said - I really hate disappointing people, but I would rather disappoint that pretend to be someone or something I am not.
#3 - I'm Scared
Seriously...like...to death!
I've done this before - and while I experienced some of the best days of my life, I also experienced a train wreck.
Not pointing fingers - I have taken responsibility for my part and fought like hell to get better.
Getting a proper diagnosis was KEY to this (I was actually diagnosed with PTSD when I was in treatment and not as an alcoholic--they told me alcohol was my coping mechanism for me to deal with traumatic issues I had buried since the age of around 5.) BUT - once you are labeled (especially in "Christian world") - it sticks with you for the rest of your life.
When I was 28 I was full of energy and certain I could do just about anything...now I'm 47 and know I am definitely not Super Man (heck, I don't even think I could be Clark Kent!)
I know there are people who are watching and waiting on me to fail - so they can pounce with their "I told you so" arguments.
I know there are people who are screaming this is "too soon!"
I've experienced hurt and confusion on levels I never thought I would see - and I've cried more tears than I thought I had in me.
BUT...here I am doing it again.
Why?
It's simple - I just can't get away from it. I tried - trust me, but the Lord just keeps bringing my busted up, broken, sinful self back to the idea that the local church really is the hope of the world - and I'm supposed to be right in the middle of it.
#4 - I Honestly Don't Know That Much
When I started a church the first time I had vision statements, mission statements, core values, statements of beliefs - I knew what we were going to do if/when just about any situation happened. I knew where I stood theologically on just about every position out there...
...but today, well - we have a church name (Second Chance) and our vision is to reach people far from God and help them to follow Jesus step by step.
That's it right now - not a lot of theological stances or 150 page membership books (honestly don't know if we will ever have official membership!)
What I do know is people need a safe place where they can come--and be fully known (don't have to fake) and fully loved. And - Second Chance will be that place.
The rest - I guess we will figure it out as we go along.
#5 - A Part Of Me Wonders If Anyone Will Actually Show Up.
I can't even begin to emphasize how honest that statement is. I know people have said they are coming, and I believe some people will show; however, I guess because of my personal insecurities - and the fact I've screwed up so bad - I battle with it.
However, I can honestly say - whether 50 or 250 show up...I'm going to give it my best shot. I can't believe Jesus, with all He knows about me, is actually letting me do this again. So - whatever He gives me, I'll take it and pray I will be a great steward of the calling He's placed on my life.
I've started with nothing before - so - I believe because God has called me to this, He will see me through it as well.
So - there you go - raw and real - those are my thoughts on the eve of our opening. I hope that if you took the time to read all of this--you'll maybe consider saying a five second prayer for me--I know the Lord will use it.
This isn't where I thought I would be at 47...but...the Lord is NOT surprised by this--and so I will take this opportunity He has given me, knowing and believing with all my heart that the best really is yet to come.