Buttpaste Is The Solution To Church Growth!

Jul 11, 2007

I mentioned last month that one of the baby gifts I have been fascinated with is a tube of this stuff called buttpaste. NO—I am not making this up! It is a product that you put on the baby’s butt to prevent diaper rash.

I began thinking—one of THE major problems in churches all across America is the fact that Christians have red rear ends!!! Seriously, some of the angriest most unkind people I have ever met claim to know Christ and are in church every single Sunday!
SO…I had this thought…maybe if pastors all across America would distribute buttpaste to their disgruntled church members—things would go a lot smoother. :-) So pastors—buy a bunch of buttpaste and have it on hand…

  • For the guy that always complains that the music is too loud…hand him a tube of buttpaste—he will calm down and begin to enjoy the sound.
  • For the person who gets mad because you did not shake their hand—just give them a tube of buttpaste. That way they know you care.
  • For the person who insists that you need to preach line by line, verse by verse—give them a tube of buttpaste—but please take the time to fully explain the product to them to their liking…or you may wind up having to give them another tube.
  • For the person who says that the church is too big give them a tube of buttpaste—and then explain to them that just because their butt is taken care of that there are hundreds and thousands of others out there that matter to God. If they do not like that—invite them to take their butt somewhere else.
  • For the person who claims that you must teach reformed doctrine—explain to them as you are giving them their buttpaste that they were predestined to receive it; after all, not all people can receive buttpaste.
  • For the free will person—explain to them the reason they have never received buttpaste is simply because they never have asked for it. BUT…warn them that, if they are not careful they could lose their buttpaste!
  • For the person who wants you to preach from the KJV—harken them to goeth forth to receiveth the buttpaste in a manner that will calmeth them down.
  • For the emergent person—hand them a beer with their buttpaste!
  • For the pure traditionalist…give them buttpaste and then write a hymn about it—singing the first, second and last verse—WHATEVER you do—DON’T SING THAT THIRD VERSE!
  • For the contemporary person…give them buttpaste and then sing a song in which you repeat “buttpaste is awesome” at least 305 times.
  • For the negative e-mailers and bloggers—don’t worry about giving them buttpaste—all they ever do is sit on their butt…so application would be impossible!

I could go on and on! I seriously think we are on to something! Pastor, church leader—what are you waiting for—order your buttpaste today!

By the way…any other uses for buttpaste that I left out?